I didn't love Jessica. Certainly I had respect and admiration for her but I never had that overwhelming flood of emotion that takes your mind and body captive. "Why would you marry her then?" Well, I enjoyed spending time with her and I knew that she would be an amazing wife. Also I was scared, before dating Jessica I had come out of an unhealthy relationship, I didn't trust myself not to go back or start another like it.
I foolishly thought "when we are married, this won't be an issue". The flood of emotion never came and the excitement of putting energy into a new marriage faded. Over the years of marriage I began to calculate how much I would have to do for Jessica so she wouldn't be upset. I was trying to keep a peaceful living arrangement rather then living life as one with my wife.
Jessica was struggling. None of this was going unnoticed by her. In January 2011, after we had been married for 6.5 years Jessica wrote this...
Marriage, it has been on my heart for a while now. For years I've been longing for love, wondering why I feel so needy and unsure, always questioning him, telling him it's not enough. I've even laid it out for him, just bring me flowers, maybe that will help. Four years later, still no flowers. He's told me this is just who he is, and I scold myself, why would you want to change him. But still, something is missing, I just can't put my finger on what it is or what I need. Six years into my marriage I give up, I tell the Lord, maybe it's you I'm looking for, I'm expecting my husband to be perfect, to be something he's not. When all I need is to accept God's love.
This is when he springs it on me, "I should've been loving you more" I can hear the pain in his voice, regret for the years wasted. In statement, it's good, but as I dig deeper, all I can feel is pain. This is what I get for surrendering to God, the past dug up and poured out in front of me, the one that I've been running from. It's one thing to suspect it, it's another to hear that it's true. All I can feel is the knife in my chest, twisting with each word. He says it's the spark that's missing, and I wonder if I've ever had a spark for him. As I go back to those days of falling in love, I can feel it all over again, The butterfly's in my stomach, the confidence from God, and the pain of the unrequited love. I know I had a spark, he was all I wanted. I was so sure that God was leading me toward him, that God would teach him to love me too. I knew as I was going into it, that I liked him more. I remember each step he took. It's as if our relationship was a cold pool, I jumped right in, knowing it would be cold, but there is some excitement and exhilaration in jumping in, and later it would feel refreshing and fun, but he's been walking in slowly afraid of the cold, agonizing over every step. I saw the battle going on in his head as he pondered over each decision. He now tells me that most people are able to look back and remember when they were head over heals in love, but we never had that, he pauses and I can hear every breath, my heart's beating through my chest and I wonder if he knows that I was head over heals, he continues, or maybe it was just me. It's then I remember telling all my friends about our relationship, how excited I was, how I would go home and think about him. I remember our first kiss, and staying up and talking with my mom for hours afterwords, so full of excitement and hope. I also remember him never missing me, never hating to leave, or wanting to stay. I feel as though everything he's done, he's done out of obligation. Was our relationship even real? or did I imagine it all, I remember our wedding and our honeymoon, surely he loved me then, surely there was a spark. What does that even mean?
This is hard to read. I want to go back and comfort Jessica. I want to go back and kiss and embrace her. I would hold her close, look into her eyes and tell her "you are my bride and I love you".
To say I have changed gives me way too much credit. God's mercy has been relentless and His grace momentous. His kindness, showing through Jessica, has lead me to repentance. In spite of me, Jessica let go of bitterness and didn't hold back her love. She writes this..
As the days go by, I know, I can't keep thinking about this, I have to live in the now. I realize now, how much I love my husband and how I've been holding back, so that I'm not hurt and disappointed by him. I know my husband loves me. I know God is doing a mighty work. I trust Him, He's always been good to me. "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength" Neh 8:10 I need that Joy, thirst for it. Although it feels like I've been betrayed by my God and my husband, like the years have been wasted, I know I had a part in this. I walked away, I didn't stay close to the Lord, I didn't pray for my husband, I didn't love him like I should. I thank God that we have Him, knowing if we didn't, this could end in adultery or divorce, He saved us and is only trying to bless us. I don't want to walk down this road, but if the end result is a husband that loves me with his whole heart, one that is head over heals in love with me. I will do it. I want nothing more than to love and be loved. I know he is the one for me and I know God is working. This is a new beginning...
Five years later I can say "God has worked". I can't think of a time I have been more in love with my wife.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 136:1 ESV)